a psycho's random thoughts

CRAP!

2010-03-07T03:12:00.003+08:00

What we have been told?

Just bunch of CRAP!

Words that is strange,

that I don’t understand.

Faith!?

A love that does not exists!?

Another delusion!?

No one ever told me how hard would it be.

What a struggle... To grow up. To live. To just turn away.

From all the shit. From the CRAP.

Egotistic? U might say.

Things they say which does not make sense.

Total bullshit.

Refuse to accept.

What the fuck do u want me to say???

It’s gana happen sooner or later.

We just need some fuckin time.

It will fuckin come, the question is!?

Will I be there to see it?

Or will I trust in the crap,

Imagine there is somethin after this.

What the fuck do u want me to do?

Kill myself?

I’m not sayin life is great.

But it is beautiful, when I know the chances.

That I actually recognize that I’m here.

When I know what the fuck is goin on.

Does it matter how it’s goin to end?

One way or another,

IT is goin to fuckin END.

Where is forever anyway?

2007-03-23T16:12:00.000+08:00

Where is forever anyway?
There is always an end!

Its not gana be winter anymore!
Ya, for sometimes!
Ya, it might be spring now!

Spring also gana end!
Green spring will end!
Colorful summer will come!
Summer also ends!
Then yellow and red autumn!
Autumn also ends!
Black & White Winter…………….

I guess I better get used to the colors!
If I want to see the flying shades of colors in the sky!
I came to the end of the line!
But I’m gana start writin on a new line!....................

Exiled!

2007-03-15T03:41:00.000+08:00

Am I a criminal?
What did I do wrong?
Why was I exiled to that bloody island?

It’s not bad for a while!
Take a break from this
fuckin life!

It’s a good performance!
But if you don’t drink
too much of the wine!

Cos I’m not drunk from the wine!
The history behind the wine!
Where it came from made drunk!

Four Seasons!

2007-03-06T22:18:00.000+08:00

Someone once said:
Life is four seasons!

When this summer song
This Hot season gana end?

I miss those snowy days!

I’m tiered of these
Sweaty days!
Now the sun is too hot!

I wana see cloudy skies!
Feel cold!
Not feel so hot!
I wana cool down again!

Tell me!
When this hot season
Gana end!

I wana grab this
Hot cup of coffee
I wana grab it
In the snow!
I wana grab it
Warms up my hand!

Now it just makes me even hotter!

My life is a fucking hot summer!
When am I gana see
Those little pretty snow flakes
Rushing in to my coffee!?

Now it’s just snowing under my skin!
I’m still holding it so hard!
To warm up my hand!

Any idea!?

Fade to Black!

2007-02-24T03:35:00.000+08:00

Photographer: Myslef
Title: High Hopes!
http://www.usefilm.com/photographer/99866.html

I’ve got to be crazy!
I should have a real need!

Why don’t I kill myself,
now right now!?

I have lost the will to live!
I have got nothing else here for me!

I can’t stand the hell I feel!
Emptiness is killing me!
To the point of agony!

I need the end!
Set me free!

Cos I like the darkness of the night!
Cos I like black dark clouds in the sky!

What? Is it crime of the century?
At least what I do won’t hurt anyone else!

Child of Vision, won’t you Listen!?
Find yourself a new ambition.

Its just high hopes,
For a great day called FREEDOM!

"Dogs"

2007-02-19T18:13:00.000+08:00

Here I am!

High in my room.

Thinking about freedom!

Listening to “Dogs”!

Thinking!

Dogs get to bark

in the middle of the night,

Living, life of freedom!

Just Mother Nature!

I wana scream now!

But choose not to!

Cos I’m not free!?

I’ve got logic!

I can choose!

True or fuckin False?

Antivalentine

2007-02-17T06:43:00.000+08:00

What the fuck do you want from me?

Talk about LOVE!

People are dying all around the world!

For thousands of reasons,

Cancer, AIDS, FUCKIN WARS!

Where is the fucking love?

That you want me to talk about!

As usual, confusion will be my epitaph!

Should I scarifies everything, and give up every fucking physical luxury!

Or get this great metaphysical love!

There is always some physical love in everyone!

If not, there wouldn’t be any WAR or AIDS or……………

in this fucking world!

Free Love!

2007-02-15T04:53:00.000+08:00

Well I’m not a lovely guy!

If u have seen me before, for sure u already know that!

But what the hell!?

It was fuckin valentine today!

Let’s celebrate this love thingy!

BUT, I actually enjoyed it for the first time!

For once I felt free, I celebrated life today! (Prozac talking?)

I enjoyed “Wish you were here”!

But actually there is no one I wished were there!

It was all me, I loved lovin myself!

Maybe all the fucking Medias were playing crappie love songs!

I enjoyed “confusion will be my epitaph!”

If that love thingy is supposed to make me happy, why was it so great?

Nothing else is left for me to search for!

Where are the green fields?

I don’t want to be a vegetable any more!

Please tell me who I am?

What? I can’t ask that?

But that’s the question runs deep at night, when all the world is asleep!

Maybe I’m so fuckin logical!?

The Bully!

2007-01-19T21:39:00.000+08:00

Don’t bully me if I tell you!
Especially if I tell you, I’m insane.
Don’t bully a word I say!

Don’t bully me if I tell you!
The king of sorrow – David Gilmour – is rockin my world!
But I see lights in this sorrow.

Don’t bully me if I tell you!
Especially if I tell you, I’m melancholic.
Don’t bully a word I say!

Don’t bully me if I tell you, I’m a hypocrite.
“(in his time most punishment was in fact the dealing out of pain).
The 19th century view in Europe was that Bentham's view had to be promoted,
(which it found painful) suppressed so intensely that
it became a pleasure in itself to indulge.”
[wikipedia, Pain (philosophy), Historical views of pain]

Don’t bully me if I tell you!
Especially if I tell you, SILENCE speaks so much louder than words!
………
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Sleepless Night!

2006-12-31T05:31:00.000+08:00

Another sleepless night!
Stay out of my head.
For once I’m enjoying it!

I don’t wana love to be loved,
cos I get fucked instead!

I love my cave!
I’ll be safe!
I won’t NEVER EVER get fucked again!

No more love for me!
I’m done!
Let me enjoy
Hiding in my cave!

Homeless

2006-12-20T00:21:00.000+08:00

It’s like I’m runnin away from my past in this desert!
I’m runnin from each place to another one, but since I’ve had been there long enough I could consider it as my past. So I have to run to new one, till it again becomes my past, then I have to run again.
Till I’m runnin away from my past, from place to place, I can’t ever call a place home!
What are the essences of a place to be called home? It protects you from outside forces, storm & thunder, but it keeps u inside too. You won’t be free anymore.
If I become homeless, then I’ll be free. Then I can go anywhere I want. Then I can run again from my past.
I’ve got no place to call home. I have left the past behind!

CRACK!

2006-11-10T23:30:00.000+08:00

I just want to be alone in my island!
I just want to hide the crack deep inside me.
The crack on my soul, that fuckin shell that had been hammered day after day.

I just want to stay awake all night long.
Till morning comes! All night I try to stick the crack.

Is there any place that I can buy a stairway? To take me up the sky, above all these confusion clouds. It makes me wonder.

I can’t take more hammers on my shell.
The crack is growing bigger and I’m sinking deeper.

ISLAND!

2006-10-13T00:46:00.000+08:00

I have become an island!
I used to be a strong ROCK, attached to the fuckin land.
I used to roam wherever I may.

The ocean was right beside me. Sometimes it touched me softly, like an angel touch. Sometimes it became angry, strike me with it waves and scratch me like a deadly sword.

It seems that I or some fuckin wind made her angry most of the time. With persistent strikin on my body, that fuckin great ROCK is destroyed. The ocean has washed all my belongings from the main land. I am attached to the land just with a tiny little thin layer of the sand left from me.

But I think I have become and island already. So I’m not from your land, sorounded with that deep blue ocean. If you are from the land, just fuckin fuck off and leave me alone.

All I need is an ocean!

DESERT!

2006-10-08T13:35:00.000+08:00

I’m gettin to like this confusion world of mine!
Before this I was just goin the way I was told to.
I was stayin in the line, I was movin from day to day.
Sice I’ve got off this line, this confusion has started. I saw that actually there are many roads. I started to wonderin about each of these roads!
Started to think about them, so many sleepless nights I’ve reviewed them each one after another. Now I ended up in the desert, where I’m thirsty for truth.

You tell me, was it worth it I came off the road?

Look at it this way, when I was in the line, I was goin in a way that millions of people had gone trough it. Ya sometimes when you get off the road, you end up in desert, but there are times you get off the road to the river side. We get off the road to go to a virgin island and enjoy the sunset in some places that you think no one else has ever stepped there.
Ya it’s a desert that I’m livin in it, but at least I can enjoy the blue sky, the sunset, the stars in the sky where I can be more confident to say at least less people have stepped here.

BUT!

2006-10-03T13:56:00.000+08:00

I aint helpless, I just need a hand.
It’s hard time for every kind of man.
I’ve came to the end of the line!
But which line? There is always this fuckin BUT at the end of each sentence.
Never trust what fuck I’m talking about.
Just put the BUT at the end.
That’s my line, to stay in the BUT line. Day after day, just be that dumb shit, stay in my line.
What the fuck is this line?
Who’s gana define any line?
Whoever you say, there’s the BUT at the end!
So my line is havin no line at all.
BUT I ran out of the lines! Now I don’t have any line to put a BUT at the end of it!

Become GOD!

2006-09-29T00:23:00.000+08:00

I do my cryin in the rain. Some day my cryin is done. I’m gana wear a smile and walk under the sun.
I have to find a will to carry on! Now I wish for stormy weather to hide my own gray sky. What the fuck should I do? When that fuckin day will arrive? I want to stand under the sun, just face up to the sky, open my arms wide open, close my eyes and let the sun go through my face and touch my soul deep inside. THEN I’m gana wear that selfless smile.

There’s so much confusion, the sky is now full of clouds. It seems that sun never gana shine again. Unless I’m GOD, I can blow the clouds away, paint the sky blue and put the sun in the middle to brighten my day. So am I GOD? If I’m not god these clouds will stay and I will never be able to see the sun!

If I could pass all these confusion and reach to peace in mind, I have actually blown the clouds away. Then I can stand in the sun and wear that smile. Ya that smile means that finally I have become GOD.

I want to wear that smile, I want to become GOD!

DEATH!

2006-09-25T02:18:00.000+08:00

Maybe DEATH is really the beginning of LIFE!
Maybe that’s the other greener side. Green, huh? But what are colors anyway? It’s a physical entity, something that we came up with in this physical life, just like time.
Like I said before, time is what made GOD sick. We split off from god when he got infected by time. When we can get rid off this time, then we get cured and join back to that ocean of metaphysical soul – GOD!
Ya, then we can live forever, when time does not exist so forever doesn’t mean anythin there. So if forever is meaningless, green shouldn’t mean anything there too.
Ya no more grass or green or pain means somethin. But will pain go away too? You see, pain is somethin that relates to the soul, the metaphysical part of us. So it might not be the case, where green doesn’t mean anythin, there will be no pain.
But this pain is caused by this fuckin physical stuff. Or is it again the soul itself torture itself. Then pain may stay again.
So which life should I live? The life that forever doesn’t mean anything? Or the life that grass is green?
Maybe the greener side is here itself!!!?

Bright eyes

2006-09-22T19:34:00.001+08:00

I’m walkin in this fuckin narrow alley for long time, I’m frustrated! Sometimes it even becomes so narrow that it squeezes my chest, till even breathing is painful. BUT always the grass is greener on the other side, so I keep on goin till I get there. YA you always get to the other side and again you’ll be able to breath and you are happy about it.

BUT it has been so so long that I have been in this alley, I want to get to the other side – to the boulevard! I don’t want to be happy just for breathin, I want to get there and start livin!!! Last time I got lucky, the grass was actually greener on the other side. But what about this time? Will be ever another green side, to live? To become actually someone! To live among others, to walk side by side with others!

Nothinelse matters, it’s so close, no matter how far is this green side. I’m just crawlin this broken path. If I make it over there, I can sit back with rest of you and laugh. BUT I’m afraid that I’ll be cryin tmr, I’m afraid I’ll be dyin tmr. I fear this path will collapse on me and I will never get to the other side. If I knew where the hell I am, I could get on with this freak show. Start crawlin alley to alley, to finally get to the greener side. I’m out of control, I’ve got lost in these alleys. Leave me alone; let me find the other side.

Just another fool!?

How many other souls tried to get there? When they get there, not even the grass is greener, the light is also brighter. So that’s why these bright eyes become blinded by this light – the fear of life! So shall I rather keep my eyes and stay on this side that grass is just OK? OR shall I keep crawlin to the other side, to get to the greener grass? BUT I’ll loose my eyes. I don’t know what the fuck to do? Shall I take the risk?

But who wants to live forever? I know I don’t! This is just a sweet moment we got on this grass. Let’s not fuck it up and enjoy this fuckin grass. BUT where is FOREVER anyway? How fast time passes by? Wasted moments will never return. Let’s just enjoy this fuckin grass on this side, till we get more knowledge about the other side, maybe we can come up with something that can protect our eyes.!?
To NOT to FEAR again!